Damn, Zach. It is hella cool that you made this job for yourself. I go to work everyday, dreading existence. I have begun a gradual process of poisoning myself. As part of my daily routine, I take a dropper of hydrochloric acid and give my coffee a generous squirt. I started out only adding a drop or two, but over the past few weeks I have built up to a much higher dose. The tummy tingle is an oddly pleasant sensation. Anyways, let me know if you ever need an assistant or something, it could be a real gamechanger for me. If not, I totally understand. Perhaps you could at least introduce me to Maddie Crump. Thanks in advance. -George Tipcorn

• Maddie Crump
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