I have been doing this a long time. I know how to push all your buttons. I can predict all your immediate reactions. I know what you are saying in your head. "No way. Not possible. Gotta be fake." But nope. You are absolutely wrong, my dude. I made sure to check thoroughly in person. They are not contact lenses. And Vyeta Mustafina's entire face is completely natural. As for the rest of her body, I remain a skeptic. But who knows? She says it's legit. Who cares? In five years, you will be happily married to some A.I. octopus elf in the metaverse.

• Vyeta Mustafina
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